Who am I part 3

 As time passed the loneliness grew. I found the anger inside my body growing. I found myself in situations I would never have allowed before. I was going out and dating. I was meeting men in bars, I found myself to be way too trusting and naïve.

I came from a world that we were taught to trust and be honest, so I did not know the entire world was different. As the long nights turned into days, I found myself keeping company with whom ever I could just to not spend time alone while my children were away with their father. I was lost. I felt hopeless. Love didn’t matter. I wasn’t lovable. How could someone love me? My own parents couldn’t show me love, why would anyone else. The anger grew like wildfire with in. I was becoming very short tempered with my own children.

One of the only things I did have to look forward to was my business. I owned a family home childcare. That kept me grounded and full of love Monday through Friday. 5:00 P.M.

Friday night when all was done and all the laughter and joy was gone my kids left with their father it was like a balloon popped and the life would be sucked out of me for I was alone again to remember all the mistakes I had made by leaving the Jehovah’s Witnesses. I had no friends, no family. So here I go getting all dolled up to go out and not have to think about the pain or feel the pain of rejection, of being alone.  

I had been seeing the same man for a few months and well I have this knowingness about me. I picked him up one day at where I was told he lived with his friend they shared rent and made it easier for them both. We were driving along and I pulled over and stopped in a target parking lot and I turned to him and said “you are married”.

He gasped for air and said how did you know that. I looked at him and said I didn’t. You just told me. I asked him to get out of the car I no longer wanted to see him.

As I drove home tears flowing and my mind racing with thoughts of you know better than to think someone could care about you. The anger grew towards the elders for the things I had endured with them towards my parents for not loving me unconditionally. How could you just throw someone away?

As the weeks pass I found myself very busy with my boys and my business fighting back tears and anger in my alone moments. Looking for strength to keep on moving forward one day at a time.  It was late summer; I had not been feeling well so I decided I should see a Doctor.

He asked if I was sexually active, I said it had been weeks. He thought best we do a test. The test came back positive. I instantly knew it was the man I had left in the parking lot to never see again.

My mind raced with critical thoughts of myself and how stupid I was I knew better. How was I going to explain this to my sons. They knew nothing of my life when they were not around.

My life was spiraling out of control. My thoughts were my parents were right I should have stayed a Jehovah witness then I wouldn’t be in this situation.

My heart sank I knew I would never have been happy. I knew I could never allow my children to be subjected to the things I was as a teen struggling to be the perfect example and never being able to have a normal life.

I was feeling so trapped all I wanted was to save them from the horror of the embarrassment of just trying to navigate through a life of a teen as a Jehovah’s witness. Was it worth it? Is it worth it? Is life even worth living so empty so alone, So many mistakes. I just want to end it all right now!

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