I sit here alone, not just physically however I am alone spiritually, emotionally, mentally. My body trembles in fear of the unknown of my future. Not the years to come the moments, minutes, seconds. I am in fear of my life for I have been told I have sinned and am not repentant.
No matter where I turn eyes and minds and those, I called my brothers and sisters judge me. Turn their head and walk away shaming me. Not knowing the sin just that I have sinned and am no longer considered one of them.
Inside I am gasping for air my blood riddled with anxiety sadness, overwhelming emotions of emptiness.
So often this story continues with loss of a husband or wife as well as all their relatives in a literal and spiritual family. The pain is an unbearable feeling. Those who promised to be with you in this journey called life in a flash gone. …now what? How do you or do you pick yourself up. Unfortunately, the suicide rate here at this point has grown in the last few years for people that have been cast out of these high control groups or religions.
My experience like many others is turning to the very thing they forbid. Alcohol, a very vicarious lifestyle of partying, sex. Many cannot take the pain and experience drugs. I fortunately did not. However, I felt so lost and alone I found myself in horrible situations just to numb the loneliness for a moment. I was more fortunate than many. I did have my kids. Who were also feeling the loss of their family and friends. Shame was huge.
I wore it like a badge. I was trained to take it on along with guilt and confusion. For I did not want to watch my children go through some of the things I had endured as a teen of a Jehovah’s witness.What direction do I go now? I didn’t know any other way.
Questions race through my mind. Am I doing the right thing? Am I killing my own children? Am I making the biggest mistake of my life? Or am I saving them? How can I know? So many sleepless nights battling my own thoughts and the programming that I had in place from my 20+ years as a Jehovah’s witness. I was desperate for another path some direction. I was also riddled with fear. Where do I go from here? Do I follow god? Followed by a million more heavy questions that I was by no means ready to even begin to explore. How could I?
I didn’t even have a clue as to who I am. I didn’t even know I didn’t know. I only knew what had been programmed into me. The internal battle was so heavy. Maybe I should repent and go back and beg for forgiveness so my children will have everlasting life in a promise land?
Then my life experience as a young person as a Jehovah’s witness would kick in and the feelings of hopelessness grew. Where do I belong? I am alone. All of my family and friends are Jehovah’s witnesses. Do I give in and go back? How do I save my children? Or am I? Who am I?