Who am I, part 9

The next morning, I woke up hoping I was dreaming very quickly I realized I wasn’t. My baby was hooked up to life supports with no brain activity. I just wanted to run. I felt so smothered, yet he had no one but me so I had no choice but to show up.

I pulled myself together got dressed and headed back up to the ICU where I found him. Looking very swollen he was hardly recognizable. I sat with him for a few minutes then the nurse came in and said the Dr. wanted to talk with me to follow her. We went into an office and had a seat. She told me he was considerably worse and his body was shutting down he was still not responding to antibiotics and I could send him for more brain scans however she said at this point he was alive due to the life support and with in a matter of a few hours his kidneys would totally shut down and all his other vital organs.

I could wait for that to happen or I could choose to turn off the life supports. She said he was in no pain. I had never felt more alone that moment. I had support all around me however I needed my mom.

I needed a relationship with her I needed to feel like I would always matter not like when this was over she would shun me again. I told the Dr I needed a few Minutes and I left the room. I went for a walk outside. What the hell do I do my poor baby was suffering he was swollen discolored looked horrible he couldn’t talk so if he was in pain how would we know. My mind racing with thoughts I couldn’t control, tears running down my face my heart broken in so many ways. I would not want to suffer I could not allow him to go on suffering he had no brain activity so even if he did some how live what quality of life would he have? So many questions I had no answers to.

My mental state wasn’t even capable at the time. I had some choices to make that were going to affect not only my little Xavier his brothers and myself, my family.

I felt so alone in this decision. I thought about calling his father however he was not around to help with bringing him into the world why would I allow him to have an opinion now. He asked me to abort him many times. This was mine and mine alone. 

I walked back up to his room and held his little hand. Kissed his forehead, he looked so helpless. I felt so helpless. I decided that I wouldn’t want this for myself how could I be so selfish to make him continue to suffer. Or was I being selfish because I was the one who was suffering by watching him in his little what felt cold to me crib, thinking I should let him go?

What was the right thing to do. I love him I want what is best for my baby. What do I do?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *