I was in so much shock and so desperately needed my family in any capacity I could get it that I allowed my father to help me plan the funeral he also very generously helped pay for it. I remember going to the funeral home and agreeing to things however not having the mind capacity to truly understand what. So, I am very grateful for his help and love to this day. I was so newly out of the Jehovah’s witness organization I didn’t even have a clue where to turn for help. He asked one of the elders to give the memorial talk. I do not even remember who it was. I do remember them talking about the paradise earth and me not feeling like I would ever agree. I felt as if this was for my parents and their friends as I got up and exited as quickly as possible without a tear, I couldn’t even cry because I didn’t believe the message. Yet I was still in a place of feeling shame.
I sat in the front row most of the people there were JW. I can remember turning around and seeing 100+ people and thinking well my fathers following is here. I was disfellowshipped his people would not talk to me once they left this building so why now!! I wanted to shout out to them all to leave. However, I knew in the depths of my heart they were also doing everything they could to support me without disobeying their god. I was once them and just because they make an announcement from a stage to not associate with someone does not switch off your love. They are programmed. Just as I once was. Looking back now I can feel the love and the pull to go back. Yet that is the love those people know.
I spent many years in a place of anger over this very day. I didn’t want to see the love. I wanted to be angry and full of hate. That was easier than facing the idea that they did love me just in a different way. The same way I use to love. With lots of conditions.
Conditions that a religious belief taught them. OH, how the hate grew! It welled up inside of me! It showed up in so many ways like anxiety…Crazy anxiety! So much so I couldn’t even drive past the building where they gathered for their meetings. Where I once felt like part of a family. The hate was so strong I would have visions of pulling in the parking lot and walking inside and all the way through the building to the stage and using very vivid foul language telling everyone off. I actually had to start using a different route to the grocery store from my house so as to not drive past the kingdom hall. I was in fear of me! I had children I couldn’t let that over take me. That went on for a couple of years. Then one day I was shopping at a goodwill. Yes, a thrift store changed my life.