I wanted my life to end that day. I begged god if there was one to show me a better way. I knew I had made many mistakes in the eyes of Jehovah’s witnesses I knew I had taken actions to prove them right.
My life was out of control. Now how was I going to keep on going? Should I give up and go back and repent and have my family back and have support raising my going to be 4 children?
Flashbacks came in very quickly of sitting in elders’ meetings being accused of sexual acts I didn’t even know what they were. The feelings of never being enough overwhelmed me. The feelings of never being perfect enough to please my elder father never living up to his standards set by the Jehovah’s witnesses.
The pressure to study daily, go in field service on and on …I couldn’t even take my own thoughts and feelings. I felt as if I was going to explode with anxiety and anger. I knew I would be putting myself in a position to potentially loose one or more of my children.
The chances of them all 4 making it as Jehovah’s witnesses was not very likely. I knew I didn’t believe strongly enough or at all for that matter. It would all be a show. I knew then I could not turn back. I know in my soul I am real. I say what I feel I can not fake or pretend. I knew my heart was full of love for my children and it was up to me to find a way to save them.
Oh! But what a mess I had created. I was pregnant out of wedlock, Still in the middle of a 2 year divorce from their father. How would I be able to keep their trust and love? Was I going to lose them? I decided I had taught them to be honest people.
I had to own up to my mistakes. I was pregnant not married. I did that. I was being punished by Jehovah god for that. At the time I did not have the understanding I do now. I did hold all the blame. I was very forward with my children as far as I was not going to return to the kingdom Hall. I never kept them from attending with their father or grandparents.
I now see it was because I was feeling shame, I did not understand how to process my feelings. I didn’t even realize that my anger was because I felt shame. I was doing the opposite of what I was taught. The next 9 months were very trying. I was secretly dealing with my own internal turmoil of how could I let this happen? How did I get to this point?
I got up every day and put a smile on my face and opened my home up to many wonderful families loved their children as if they were my own all the while mine were in school. I finally had to let some of the parents know that I was pregnant.
I opened up and let some of them know I was kicked out of my church. Much to my surprise many of them were very understanding and supportive. I was shocked. All this time I had been hiding feeling all alone and I had support right in front of me.
I had friends. I must add I was the one reserved because I had programming about worldly people. I was taught not to trust anyone that was not a Jehovah’s witness. Now all I had were people that were not Jehovah’s witnesses. Can I except that? Can I open up and allow new , ”worldly” People in?