Who am I in the face of death part 10?

As every mom I wanted to make the best choice for my son. I didn’t want him to suffer however if there was any chance, he would live a normal life I wanted that for him. For all of us. So, riddled with emotions I went to the Dr and asked if she was sure there was no chance he could pull through. She assured me he was failing rapidly and nothing short of a miracle would he survive with no brain activity. I mustered up every ounce of love in my body to let him go.

I went back and let my friend know that I decided to turn off his life supports. I made calls to my family. My mother was at the hospital with us. My sister and father asked that we wait for them to arrive so they could be present. So many feelings of hurt came up for me. How dare you ask for anything you haven’t supported me this far except when you found it convenient for you. Why the hell should I grant you a dying wish.  Anger burning inside of me. I went for a walk to clear my head.

The reality is, I once practiced as a Jehovah’s Witness I may have made very similar choices believing I was doing gods will and showing love. Its so messed up! My father had never held his grandson if he is here to watch him leave this world it will have been a choice he made. I decided to Just give the nurse a time. 12 noon.

I couldn’t watch him suffer knowing he was not going to live. With each breath I watched for the next. They said he could have a heart attack or just stop breathing it would all depend on his body. As the time drew closer the nurse came in and asked if I wanted to hold him and said they could arrange that.

I was scared. I wanted to say no. However, I am the mom. This was my last chance soon I would no longer have this choice. I sat down in the rocking chair shaking; she unhooked some monitors the beeping to this day sends chills down my spine. I do not know how long I sat there just staring at his thick black hair, ever so soft, he was still so hooked up to monitors. 

I had a lot of support through this journey as it came to an end. I am more than grateful for. It also brought up so many emotions and feelings towards the Jehovah’s witness religion and assured me I was on the right path with my other 3 boys. I am a true believer in “something good comes from everything”. If I ever had second thoughts about wanting to return to being a Jehovah’s witness It all vanished this day.AS the clock ticked my dad and sister were keeping in touch with my mom. I sat in the rocking chair remembering our last moments at home. Realizing it was all about to end. I would never here him say Mommy, or see him walk, or play, Is he even hearing me say I love you?

As my family and my most precious people in life gathered around and the nurse came in, she was so kind. She asked if I was ready. My father and sister had just rushed in. I whispered yes as the tears flowed down my face. She asked if I wanted to hold him while she removed the tubes. I did. I didn’t ever want to let him go. It was all very peaceful.

The nurse allowed us to take a few last pictures of him. Then she allowed me to dress him for the last time. I remember sitting rocking holding him for a very long time and then a peace came over me.

I knew I had to go and so did he. I walked over and laid him in his bed as the nurse had instructed me to then I walked out knowing that was the end. A friend had dedicated a song to me and Xavier before he was born Cheryl Pepsii Riley, Thanks for my child. The end is my favorite. If only I could have heard his voice and those word just once. “I love you mommy”

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