I just wanted to pick him up and cuddle him. He looked so cold and had so many tubes coming out of him. So many things racing through my head. What if he has no brain activity? My poor helpless baby. I spent a few minutes with him before they took him for the brain scan. They took me out into a waiting room outside the ICU where they would come and find me when Xavier returned from the scan. With my mind racing time seemed to stand still. My midwife showed up to see how I was doing and give me any help she could. The hospital gave me a little apartment to stay in as long as I needed. Ev
eryone was so kind. The Dr. finally returned and asked to meet with me. She said he had no brain activity and if I wanted, they could do some other testing however it was not going to change the outcome. He was still not responding to the antibiotics.
They were still trying to find the right one to fight his infection in his blood. I decided to contact his father. He knew he was born and didn’t want to see him.
This could be his last opportunity. Did I want to have to deal with him? In my mind he had the right. I am the one who made the mistake not my son. He deserved to have a father and it was my responsibility to inform him. I did Just that. His father did come and see him for the very first time. Much to my surprise I had lots of support several people I knew as Jehovah’s witnesses came to be supportive. I called my other sons’ father and he offered to bring our boys up to see their baby brother.
That was a huge blessing for me to be able to hug each of them. They are the light in my life. They brought him little gifts. They took pictures next to his hospital crib. My parents both came as well as my siblings. We were allowed 2 at a time to visit throughout the evening. It was late at night and I was exhausted physically and mentally.
My friend that had brought me talked me into going to the little place they gave us to rest. My body was so riddled with anxiety what if I leave and come back and he is gone. I knew I had a long tough road ahead what ever it was going to look like.
I needed rest to be able to cope and make decisions that I would have to face. I sat in the chair tears flowing down my face Not knowing if I left if it could be the last time I would see him breathing. My friend took my hand and helped me up and walked with me through the dark alley to the little apartment they gave us to stay in.